Slowing Down

Since I was a freshmen in high school I have lived a full to the brim life- every second of every day was planned. I did not realize that lifestyle would lead to everything being full except me.

To this day my calendar is organized, color coded & every minute is planned.  This can be so beneficial when I am in a healthy place but in previous seasons it became this all consuming task that was never complete.

How many people can I meet with today? How much can I get done today? How productive can I be to prove that I am worthy of being salaried? How can I take at least 18 hours every semester of college? How can I do all things to please all people?

Over the years, I became a person solely focused on how effective & productive I could be without ever caring for myself & there was no margin in my life for self care & not realizing until years later the pride & selfishness in my own heart.

The past 6 months I have seen redemption after redemption of things that I once dreaded.

My calendar no longer owns me, I own my calendar.

I am slowing down.

I am scheduling things that bring me joy & life & time to care for myself. I am attempting to use something that use to feed into my pride to humble myself- realizing I can’t do it all but I can do what the Lord has entrusted to me. My schedule is no longer how I can prove myself worthy but how my life can point to the one who is worthy. 

I am unlearning how to live a fast paced life. 

And if I’m honest- it’s hard. It’s hard to look at all the ways I’ve failed, all the ways that I fed my pride, instead of smother it. But here we are- taking one small step at a time- to try and live a life that is slow, yet never losing the urgency that the Lord has given us for the brevity of life here on this world. So I started with 1 step in the right direction…

I am decluttering my life. I got rid of all the things in my kitchen that I don’t love- I bought new plates (because the pioneer woman is the real MVP). I got rid of all of my clothes- except the clothes I wear every week. I only have products in my bathroom I use weekly. I planted rosemary & cilantro. I got rid of all the things in life that did not bring me happiness & that add to the craziness of my life.

I have slowly been reading through Psalms this year & journaling & not having a quiet time because I have to but because I want to. I started running & writing & being filled from a life that was about so much more than proving my worth through how productive I could be. 

The last verse in Psalm 87 says, “My whole source of joy is in you.” For way too long my whole source of joy was in everything but the Lord & it lead to a burnt out & an empty life. Today my joy is coming solely from the Lord- from not having to prove my worthiness by how hard I can work or accomplish in a day. My joy comes from the creator of joy.

So here’s to the Lord who is teaching me that a slow life full of what is important is more important then hustling for my worth- because y’all that life is exhausting but the joy of the Lord is not.

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